"Cause I'm in the Lord's Army"

Thoughts about "Instant Obedience" from a Marine and former Soldier

(Hello everyone! I’m so grateful for all the new subscribers over the weekend! I’ve been posting older posts on Mondays. Given this is Memorial Day this is one of my most popular posts where I’d ask you to consider the sacrifices made by military members even just to serve. There is a sacrifice of self and personhood inherent in that service. This was originally posted in July 2024)

Almost 30 years later and I still remember the afternoon. I was going through “basic training” at Bill Gothard’s paramilitary ALERT young men’s program. This was before cell phones, so we headed out for a 4–5-mile hike completely unaware that we were going to get soaked. No one brought rain equipment. None of us had rainproofed our packs which were fully loaded. My rain-soaked pack felt 20 pounds heavier, and the straps dug into my soaked shirt which had started to chafe. What’s more, we were going overland in an attempt to cut the hike short. This meant trying to keep your footing on the wet fall leaf covered forest floor. Compound slick ground with heavy packs and just keeping your balance made progress slow. Everyone was miserable. At one point we stopped on a hill to catch our collective breaths. As I leaned against a tree, hurting in ways I hadn’t ever experienced I was sighing out as I tried to catch my breath. It wasn’t even a conscious thing, just a vocalization of how tired, hurt, and miserable I felt. Then one of the “Drill Sergeants” who was only barely older than me said to me with a note of disgust, “MALLOW! SHUT UP!” 

What that guy couldn’t know in that moment would be that what he said would have one of the most profound impacts on my life for the next 20 years. This was because when I “SHUT UP” I found something inside of me where I could push the hurt, pain, and emotion down into. From that moment on my time at ALERT “Basic” got better, to the point where on the final hike, which was 40+ miles, I walked on quarter-size blisters for hours without a word. This newfound ability I had to simply “turn off” my emotions would serve me throughout the abuse I experienced at ALERT, then subsequently my Boot Camp at Marine Corps Paris Island, then later at Virginia Beach Police Academy, then even later at Army Basic Training, then at NCO School. All told I’ve gone through five “boot camps” (and yes, my repressed emotions have repressed emotions). It wasn’t until a few years ago when a therapist asked me, “Do you think you keep going back to these rigid, military experiences because even though they’re abusive you know what to expect” that I began to piece together how that urge to “SHUT UP” had affected my life.

I mention all of this because of a question Marissa Burt recently asked on Instagram, “What are some of the negative experiences you’ve had with ‘Instant Obedience’ discipline?” As again a veteran of over 5 “bootcamps” I have some perspective. Also, I have the perspective of growing up in the “Dare to Discipline” first generation homeschooled generation. I believe today’s parents need to understand some of the assumptions Christian parenting “influencers” have operated under that explain why they adopted military-like “instant obedience” training for children.

The Military Machine

It is important to understand that the modern American military didn’t fully come into the form it is now until World War 2. While there was some “basic training” done during World War 1 what we know now as “basic training” wasn’t fully perfected until America mobilized after Pearl Harbor. What this training had to do was basically three things: First it had to train men to be able to kill without hesitation. Secondly, it had to take a disparate group with diverse backgrounds and give them a new identity. Finally, military basic training had to give enough training so that soldiers could be easily replaced.

In WW2 the first real “modern” industrialized military was born. There’s a reason the moniker “G.I. Joe” became synonymous with Army service. What you had was a process that made men into “General Issue” tools- in one sense nameless, person-less instruments that could be fitted in almost anywhere to run the industrial modern war machine. On one hand there was a great deal of success especially seen in operations like Normandy where men were scattered yet were able to cobble together pieces of fire teams and disparate forces and yet still be effective. On another other hand, we are only now realizing the kind of toll this training puts on individuals in society.

A ”Modern” Approach to Parenting

A pertinent question should be, why would Christian authors look to a form of secular military discipline as a paradigm for “Christian” parenting? Why were authors such as James Dobson and Bill Gothard so obviously enamored with the military even though they themselves never served? I believe much of the answer is found in the word “modern” and in the “worldview” they were operating under.

What Dobson and others like him were looking for was:

a.     A seemingly “universal” discipline technique that appeared to work on almost every person.

b.     Discipline methods that specifically were contradictory to individualism.

c.     A means of discipline that fit a “slave/master” paradigm of obedience.

What is somewhat ironic is that at a time where many popular Christian influences would be moving away from science and some of the “progressive” aspects of modernity the very ones doing so would assume a very “modernistic” view of humanity. Perhaps it was also a product of being capitalistic and the product of a fully industrialized society, but what Dobson and others assumed was that there could be “one” way to discipline “all” children. This coincides with a framework of “Biblical Worldview” that assumes “truth” as universal and timeless (more on that here). Yet in an “instant obedience” discipline what Dobson and others found is a method that almost universally works in the short term. This seeming universality only heightened the assumption that these methods were “Biblical”.

This universality also ran right alongside a presumption that individualism and subsequent individualistic social movements towards democracy and pluralism were intrinsically bad. So much of Christian parenting advice simply tried to remove a child’s individual expression. This was because individualism was considered a loss of shared moral values and supposed “truth”. If children could think and act for themselves ultimately that “freedom” would lead to (if not be synonymous with) “rebellion” (which was equivocated to in many including Gothard influenced contexts “witchcraft”) . This especially resonated with Christian traditions that trended towards authoritarianism anyway and viewed submission to authorities a matter of Divine Right.

This paradigm of supposed “submission” and “Godly rule” ultimately, I believe, was a product of a theological imagination mostly informed by slave/master theologies. So much of what informs Evangelical notions of “submission” and “authority” almost entirely views it through the lens of slavish obedience. Consider this from John MacArthur, “…slavery served as an apt picture of the believer’s relationship with Christ- one of Complete submission and subjugation to the master. In both cases, to be a slave was to be under the complete authority of someone else. It meant rejecting personal autonomy and embracing the will of another.” Many parenting “experts” like Michael and Debi Pearl explicitly taught that a child’s will was to be “broken” such that they have no will of their own. This is coupled with an attitude towards children that while stating children are not the parent’s property, nevertheless, practically treats them as so. R.L. Stollar notes, “So while parents do not own their children in a transcendent, spiritual sense (because God owns everyone), they nonetheless own them in an immanent, pragmatic sense. Parents are stewards with an exceptional amount of power over children….and all of this in a concrete, legal sense. Parents must have enough legal dominion over children so that, as Rushdoony said (and Klicka agreed), “the child’s will” can be “broken to God’s purpose.”

Yes Really an Army

All the above are definitely reasons as to why Christian leaders might look to military discipline tactics as reflective of some warped view of “authority” but they weren’t trying to actually build an army right? Well consider these sentiments from Chris Klicka (a homeschooling advocate), “God describes our children as arrows in the hands of a warrior!…Have we diligently crafted our ‘arrows’ so they can be trusted to hit their target as we launch them into the world?…Have we personally guaranteed our ‘arrows’ are the most carefully crafted and have the sharpest point?” Likewise, Michael Farris (HSLDA founder) is even more explicit in his militaristic fervor, “No army general would ever try to train soldiers in the haphazard way many of us try to train our daughters to serve our Lord. An army has an organized plan and a training course of increasing rigor designed to produce soldiers capable of winning the battle. Our duty to train our children is no less important. It is equally necessary for us to develop goals and plans for the training of the spiritual warriors whom God has entrusted to us.” This militaristic expression is littered all through late 20^th century and early 2000s Evangelical culture (especially homeschooling culture) uses militaristic imagery, think the “Joshua Generation” or the “Quiverfull” movement. Is it so surprising that those who imagined themselves building a literal “army” from their children would look to military tactics to raise them?

What Instant Obedience Really Does to a Person

We’ve talked about why “Instant Obedience” tactics may have been useful and why they have been used first by the military and then recommended by Christian parenting influencers, but what do these tactics do to the one who experiences them? What these tactics do is both not as negative as you think and perhaps more deadly than you can imagine.

1.     “Instant Obedience” trains someone to emotionally disassociate.

Out of all the things that “Instant Obedience” training does this I believe, has the most potential to be used positively. It probably is this aspect that is pointed to most when people talk about a “boot camp” or a similar sports experience as being ultimately positive. But let us be clear, “Instant Obedience” intentionally trains someone to act without thought. It is intended to cause a person to be able to respond without cognition or emotion. It’s one of the reasons why I have no hesitation when asked if I could theoretically shoot someone, I have literally been trained to “squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze… BANG”.

This kind of emotional disassociation can be positive. For example, I disassociate emotionally and physically every time I go on a run. I’ve trained to ignore my muscles that don’t necessarily want to run for an hour and my emotions that would naturally rather watch videos. Athletes and soldiers must, if they are training well, find that they can go farther, push themselves further, and endure more than their body or emotions tell them in the moment. This kind of discipline in the moment feels harsh (no doubt what the writer of Hebrews had in mind in Heb. 12:11) but yields results.

What then separates good discipline from bad discipline? What is the difference between a good coach (or Drill Instructor) and a sadistic one? The answer is purpose. There are countless examples of coaches being “tough” with their charges for really no reason, and we now know much of that “toughness” is counterproductive. The same principle exists in the military, there is a fine line that is walked between training and “abuse” and “abuse” almost always is found in some sort of purposelessness.

The problem with “Instant Obedience” demanded by many Christian teachers is, it is simply a “good” that is universally accepted as a “good” in all situations regardless of what purpose that reaction serves. And “reaction” is the more proper word to use. Instant “obedience” doesn’t actually teach obedience, it trains a particular response to certain stimuli. Going back to my own experience, just because I can turn off my emotions and act without thinking doesn’t mean I always should. You can imagine the multitude of social problems I’ve had when my default is to always shut off what I’m feeling and act “rationally”. Even more when I think I am acting “rationally” and really, I’m not. One of the things I’ve experienced over the years is I really don’t know the difference in many cases, and in many situations am actually disabled. For example, I literally cannot tell if a situation stresses me unless I am paying attention to my bodily reaction. My neck becomes a knot of steel cords and that lets me know I’m feeling stressed. In response to a stressful situation, I’ve so been trained to not pay attention to my emotions that my body is the only thing that tells me I’m stressed. This problem, this training someone to shut off and disassociate from themselves, becomes especially dangerous when you pair it with the second effect of “instant obedience”- personality loss.

2.     “Instant Obedience” strips someone of their humanity.

We have to ask the question, why is it that a training that robs people of their humanity for the express purpose of robbing other human beings of their humanity became essential to what it meant to parent as a “Christian”. Because that ultimately is what “instant obedience” training does. Removing someone’s agency, their ability to make choices for themselves, and replacing it with the will of another is perhaps one of the most dangerous and possibly damaging things you can do to another person. There are reasons military Drill Instructors are trained for over a year, are never left alone with their charges, and are given training manuals that are detailed down to the minute, giving someone God-like power over others is deadly. There is a decided reason why military Basic Training has people on suicide watch and why suicide is a real problem in the military- take away someone’s ability to make a choice, remove what makes them “them” and they quickly see no other way out. Or to put it another way they end up making the only choice they believe they have.

This is why I’ve written previously that using “boot camp” disciplinary techniques with untrained and immature people is like, “setting someone on fire and giving someone else gasoline to put it out”. I honestly believe that while it may be necessary in some military contexts, removing someone’s sense of self and agency is always damaging. It’s one reason serving in the military itself is a sacrifice. That so many parents are told that their number one job, that God wants them to do, is to remove from their child, at the earliest age, one of the things that makes them most like the image of their creator is something I find appalling. It says something about the need for control and inability to trust God when “obedience” means removing a child’s ability to make a choice.

3.     “Instant Obedience” trains people emotionally.

One of the biggest reasons military members struggle with alcohol is they have been trained to associate a lack of feeling as positive. There are many ways “instant obedience”, especially when it is coupled with physical correction, changes a person’s emotional makeup. In the military things that many people have negative emotional responses to, like the prospect of violence, are intentionally changed to be felt positively or to be experienced as exciting.

So much of Evangelical “discipleship” doesn’t just stop at emotional disassociation it promotes aberrant emotional association. Children are trained to mistrust their own bodies and see them as “deceitful”. Wanting things can be trained to be negative. Having legitimate questions repressed. Couple “instant obedience” with physical punishment (“spare the rod”) and you have someone associating pain and violence against their person by someone they trust as “love”.

But what so much Evangelical parenting does in emphasizing “submission” and “instant obedience” trains children to employ a fawn response. There are now at least four human responses to stress that we know of, Fight, Flee, Freeze or Fawn. “Fawning refers to consistently abandoning your own needs to serve others to avoid conflict, criticism, or disapproval. Fawning is also called the “please and appease” response and is associated with people-pleasing and codependency”. I have seen, especially in Gothard’s IBLP but elsewhere as well, subordinates literally told that “submission” looks like always “dying to oneself” and “seeking to please” the one in power. Many women especially are trained to respond to particularly men in power with instant, self-ignoring capitulation and a desire to please. This is to be given regardless of the man or even whether he sins because God obviously put the man in that position of power and even if he sins against the subordinate somehow God willed it. This is not training obedience it is training someone to be a victim.

What I Would Say to Parents

On one hand I am a single man in my 40s so a part of me feels hesitant to speak directly to parents considering how to discipline their child. On the other hand, I’m a Marine and former Soldier who grew up in with the very parenting techniques I’ve been criticizing. If I had one thing to say to young parents considering parenting their children this way it would be, is this how God has treated you? If you honestly believe God is a harsh taskmaster demanding immediate perfection would you please spend some time in the Gospels with Jesus? You have to really twist who Jesus is and what he says to think what he really desires in his followers is an unthinking, unfeeling automata.

Secondly, I would say without hesitation that “instant obedience” training doesn’t train anyone to really obey. It trains them to react. It is literally no deeper than a dog salivating at the sound of a bell because it’s been conditioned to do so. You are not “training” your child in obedience, you are training them in superficial, mindless reaction. Obedience ultimately really comes through trust. Which in any “life or death” scenario that many want to use to defend “instant obedience” is really what one wants. You want your child to come out of the street because they trust you and know you love them even though they don’t see the car, not because they are more terrified of you than the car.

Even God when giving the Ten Commandments gives why His people should obey him, because of His character and who He is towards them, “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.” God in telling His people who He is emphasizes His character and disposition towards them, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty…” God wants his people to obey Him because He is trustworthy and loving, not because He’s going to smite them if they aren’t fast enough.

To parents who perhaps are older who have read this, and you realize that you may have utilized this parenting method because you were told it was “Biblical”; or there was pressure in your church to parent this way and you’ve never thought about how it could be negative a couple of things: First your good intentions do not mitigate real hurt (I’ve written about that here and here). Secondly your children may have “turned out alright” but you might not know the particular struggles they may have had relationally, socially or emotionally.  A good starting point would be to ask your child Marissa’s question that inspired this post and just listen. Don’t justify yourself. Don’t make excuses. Just listen.

Finally I want to reiterate something I said before and that is we as a American Christian culture need to examine in more depth why we took secular military training that primarily enables men to kill another man and made it essential to “Biblical” parenting. We need to ask ourselves why we enabled people so obviously obsessed with control, so comfortable with violent and war like rhetoric to become “experts” in parenting? We particularly need to ask why they are still being promoted by some when they very obviously do not produce a consistent result that supposedly “universal truth” should. We need to ask what about our Evangelical culture’s view of God made this Ok?

(Thanks for reading! I’m always grateful for those who lend me their time. If you want to get my latest please subscribe and consider supporting me in making this content. If you’d like to gift a one-time gift of coffee or dinner, that would also be appreciated https://venmo.com/u/Jason-Mallow-1 )